Inked! 'Goin' Ghetto'? I'll take my Emmy now

I haven’t seen “MacGruber,” but I was always a big “MacGyver” guy growing up. I always found it impressive that Richard Dean Anderson, in all his mulleted glory, could fashion a weapon or disarm a bomb with crude and unrelated products.
I guess I felt a little “MacGyver”-ish the other morning after discovering my coffeemaker was broken. If you know me, you know I drink a lot of coffee … a lot of coffee. I need it to function, and my machine just conked out.
So, I boiled a huge pot of water, threw in the coffee grounds and poured the gritty, murky mixture through the coffee filter and into a cup. Cowboy-style coffee. It was perfect, and gave me just enough juice to get the day jumpstarted.
As I sat down to vomit this information on my Facebook status update (I know, I know), it occurred to me that these various poor man’s tricks to simple living would make great television. Some would be food-related, some home-related, some when out and about in public. There could even be a kids’ edition.
I even named my show — “Goin’ Ghetto with Richard Brown.”
Now to focus the show, and pick a network. Although the only channels I watch at home these days (this is nearly 100 percent true, give or take 15 percent) are Food Network, Bravo, the Travel Channel and Spike, we have options. Cowboy coffee, of course, would have a place on all four channels, but not everything would have such across-the-board appeal.
For instance, Spike TV, which seems to be more geared toward manly men, with lots of MMA fighting and shows that suppose which historical figures would do a better job of killing each other, would need specific examples of men being men, or better yet, slobs. I’ve got a few episodes in me.
I’m the king of Febreze for purposes nether-regionally, and that has Spike written all over it. What guy hasn’t scented up a perfectly clean pair of pants with a little post-lunch flatulence. Hit that with some Febreze, and you’re back in business.
No socks? Get the freshest of the day-worns and spritz them. Take it up a notch with a trip in the dryer or in the toaster oven. Same goes with underwear, but I’ll spare you the visuals. I’d advise running your dirty cloths through the rinse cycle and dryer, or dryer only, but these are pretty typical tricks and not so impressive.
My Spike series could include a segment on cleaning the house, probably the least enjoyable thing a guy can do. When I do clean, which is rare, there are time-saving ghetto tricks I employ. Rather than scrubbing the toilet with sponges and brushes and various solutions, I’ve been known to use a quick rub-down with disinfectant wipes. Knock off the crust with a little force, and everything’s minty fresh again, that is, unless you’re a pig. Then you might need two or three.
That might be too much for TV; we’ll move on.
I’ve got lots of food-related tips that can work in with the “Goin’ Ghetto” theme so intrinsic to cowboy coffee — like Chinese lemonade, which I stole from The Wife.
I call this Chinese lemonade because it was at our favorite Chinese food restaurant that my brilliant better half came up with this concoction, but it works at any place where water, lemon wedges and sugar or sweetener are freely provided. Yeah, you know where I’m going with this.
The Wife simply — and discreetly — squeezes lemons (free) into her water (free) and adds Splenda (again, free), creating the tastiest lemonade this side of Country Time. Remember, free equals delicious, even when it isn’t so delicious.
One Facebook friend suggested making an entirely improvised tomato soup from leftover ketchup packets from fast-food restaurants. I’m not much of a tomato soup guy, so I might just have to invite this friend to be a guest on Episode 3 or 4 of “Goin’ Ghetto with Richard Brown” at 10 p.m. Fridays on the Travel Channel.
The foodie shows could feature a couple of my favorites, including segments on PB&J Wraps, the classic peanut butter and jelly tortilla, or lunch at Costco — not the cafeteria area, but the sample carts. The sample ladies don’t limit your trips, and after three trips to the wieners-in-barbecue-sauce cart, you have what amounts to a whole single serving. The trick here is to fight through the Mexicali crowd. They’re voracious, and can usually be seen standing by a cart for five minutes until a fresh tray is put out.
I’ve considered branching out “Goin’ Ghetto with Richard Brown” at noon Saturdays on Oxygen with more mom and family-friendly ideas. This would be more advice-oriented, like don’t ever, ever buy your little ones their own meals at a restaurant, especially a Mexican food restaurant. That’s what combination plates are for — feed your runts the rice and beans. It saves money and is a great diet idea for your self.
Seriously, these are all golden ideas. Maybe a producer somewhere will read this column online and offer me a show. I’m ready for the spotlight, no matter the channel. Cheap and ghetto translates all over TV.